Monday marks the eighteenth anniversary of my accident. Some days I feel like this is the only life I have ever known. Then other days I remember the ease of how things were for me. I cannot simply jump out of bed and rush out to do anything. Every task is a long-drawn-out process. If it is raining, I cannot simply run and jump into the car like most of you.
Going anywhere is a daunting task of making sure I have everything before I can break my chair down and get it loaded into the car with me. If I have forgotten something after that painstaking task, I must spend the next seven minutes of putting my chair altogether again to retrieve what I have forgotten.
I am often reminded that the life I have is of no one else’s fault other than my own. Some days it is hard for me to face myself in the mirror because I am only angry with myself. I have often questioned why. Why do I have to continue to pay for one stupid mistake for the rest of my life?
Other days I am in awe of what I have managed to accomplish despite the pain, stress, and odds stacked against me. I know that my family is what has always catapulted me into the bravery to live another day. I am thankful for my parents who did not allow me to hide behind my injury. They never once allowed me to use my disability as an excuse not to still be a present hands-on mother to my girls.
Even on the worst of the worst of days I find strength in knowing that I will and have overcome more than most people ever could imagine. I look to God for the strength, endurance, and courage to fight against everything else that is in my way of serving the purpose he has for me. Do I fail? Absolutely! Do I have every reason to stay down? Certainly! But the courage to stand up again blow after blow is more than enough for me.
I pray daily for a cure for spinal cord injuries even though I will not see that in my lifetime. I pray that no one else will have to suffer from this condition. I often remind myself of my stay in rehab and how many adolescents were there. I remember thanking God that at least I had my childhood and young adulthood to be able to walk.
I also remind myself of how much worse things could be for me. I will never forget when I met a sweet young lady who was paralyzed at the age of fourteen. I never once heard her complain about the circumstances that her injury had robbed her of. She is a quadriplegic, meaning she is unable to use her arms as well as her legs. After that meeting I went home cried and thanked God that he had allowed me to be able to hold my girls. That chance meeting was life altering for me. I began to be able to find more joy in the simple things.
I believe it is human nature to wallow in the misery of your circumstances when they are not what we want them to be. I wallowed in mine for longer than I would like to admit. I definitely have bad days, but I am proud to say I have more better days than bad.
As you have read quite often my girls are the best things that ever happened to me. If it were not for the three of them, I do not know what my life would look like. I am equally thankful for my family. All of them combined rally behind me daily and most certainly in my time of need.
I can laugh about it now but when I first returned home from rehab I went to roll up the ramp at my house and for some reason my chair flipped over backwards. My freshly operated back hit the hard cold concrete first followed by my head. Katie was there and witnessed the terrifying incident. She ran over to me to make sure I was alright. I will never forget what she asked me. She asked “are you hurt or is it just your pride?” With tears streaming down my face I answered, “both!” She helped me up and tightly hugged me. I am extremely grateful for the support system that I have been blessed with. They have only ever lifted me up and wished the best for me.
I hope that others can see past my chair and not let that define their thoughts of me. I am so much more than just a person in a chair. You cannot wait for the terrible things to pass in order to find joy. I believe if you really try there is joy in everything that you survive.